First Trimester Self Portraits After a Miscarriage, part one
This month is October pregnancy and infant loss month. As I share my trimester’s with you I want you to know that every women’s journey is different. Some seem to be easier or harder then my own, but that doesn’t change how my loss as impact my reactions and decisions since losing a baby in the very early stages of pregnancy. Comments such as “it wasn’t really a baby yet” “oh, at least you lost it before the heartbeat started” or “well anything before 12 weeks doesn’t really matter”. Each meant to comfort and they definitely did NOT comfort me.
The moment I took that test I was in love. The days before our miscarriage I had dreams, knew the due date and planning this whole amazing life for this little one. Cody and I both believe that babies are babies from day one. For us, this was something we knew other people went through… but us? We weren’t suppose to go through this.
I mean come on! It was hard to have our first, then cancer, so we were surprised with our 2nd but still was a 3.5 year gap where I had to truly grieve the chance of having more kids. And the month I was 100% for real ok with only Axle, I got my test. Then we were OK! I mean really, I always wanted 8 or so kids with a lot of adoption as well. But after Lylelynn I was so overjoyed that God gave us this extra blessing I really did care to have anymore bio kids.
So why, why did we get pregnant? We didn’t really try for the baby. We weren’t thinking of having more kids. But as soon as I took the test I was so in love and ok with a 3rd. Honored and excited. Only to loss them just a few days later. Why? Why did we have to go through this? I was on vacation with my parents, couldn’t find progesterone anywhere and just knew… I don’t think I get to keep this one. I don’t Cody on FaceTime only to call him back days later to say I lost it. I was trying to smile and enjoy our first vacation giving the kids amazing memories as my great was being ripped apart. The whole time, not having Cody there, due to starting a new job the day we were to leave and couldn’t come with us. I was in shock. I was frustrated.
Why did I have to loss a baby I didn’t even know I wanted. But then, for an entire year after that I wanted one. I felt like a hole was missing. That little one we lost opened me up and I wasn’t done. I wanted a rainbow. With more heartache to come, it wouldn’t be until almost a year early. Exactly 11 months from our miscarriage that we got our rainbow baby positive test. But as God grew me in my year of wanting, again. He has also been growing me through this pregnancy.
Because I quickly learned that i’m not as native this time. I know so much more now. I know that 1 in 4 women, ONE IN FOUR, have lost a baby in pregnancy or as an infant.
How is that possible? How in the world did I grow up thinking that having babies was easy and getting pregnant was easy and that I could just decide when and it would happen. I was told as a kid don’t have sex, you’ll get pregnant. Which is true, but its not THAT easy. There is such a voice for the teen moms and the women with tons of kids all close together. But really, they are not the majority. There needs to be more education. Not fear, but education. YOU ARE NOT A LONE!!
So in all that I decided to take self portraits and I was surprised with my emotions in some. I feel “ok” with where we are, I thought I was going to into this pregnancy like the others. But I haven’t. Somethings blindside me and i’ll get more into that even in the 2nd trimester, but lets look at this first trimester.
This is part 1, these are with out the bump pictures, those will be coming soon. But I have so much to say I needed to split them up.
Part One - Real & Raw
This was the moment I celebrated, I let myself be happy, I cried. This was the moment this rainbow truly grabbed my heart.... wait. Is this not the pregnancy photo you thought you would see today? What does this photo really mean? What’s going on? Ok ok... let’s back up.
The second photo. It’s of a mama that thinks she’s prego... but she’s scared, and not 100% sure how she feels about this box. I literally put on my “I can do hard things” shirt while praying the whole time.
The third is of a positive test. The real reaction. The one that was... crap is this real? Am I ok. Is the BABY OK???!!! It’s of a mama that didn’t get excited. She got scared. She texted her midwife that moment and went in for bloodwork to check numbers... ran around the bathroom looking for her progesterone cream and praying “God! Please let us keep this one”.
The fourth photo. “That’s the YES WE ARE PREGNANT!” one. That’s the one that’s true. It’s the one that said numbers were going up and baby was staying. It was an email or text I had to open every few days to make sure the numbers were still going up.
Fifth photo... This is what you see... most of the time. And truly this was an amazing moment, it was an exciting moment. But it came 5 photos after the original one. Because this is a baby after a loss. And I’m learning... reactions are a lot different this time around.
These are photo six/seven, this is raw real #firsttrimester moments right here. This is why I wasn’t on Instagram much, why I have no idea where June and July went. Why my kids had to go to someone else house almost every day of the summer or watch tv until they got tired of it. This is a mama that has to take off her clothes because she pees EVERY TIME she throws up. All freakin day. All freakin night. This is a mama that’s already a big girl, who’s boobs ALREADY can’t fit into her bra. This was SUCH a hard time. But oh ladies... it was worth it.
See... this is my first trimester with my #rainbowbaby and the second trimester... well it’s got some rough moments in it too.. but so much joy as well. That’s coming... as soon as I’m out of the second trimester.